Thoughts on Alec in Blunderland, Med School Composers, and Casual Sexism Against Nurses
Hello again, Internet!
This post is kind of late, and for that I am very sorry. But hopefully it proves worth the wait, because what I have here is… strange.
Today I have another e-Bay find, but this one is of an obscure musical, unlike my last couple of posts which have been about amateur productions of main-stream musicals. I’m writing about this one now because I want to, and because apparently my grandmother decided to start reading my blog again and she told my mother that she is sick of those types of records. Maybe I shouldn’t give my grandma that kind of power over my content, but since she accounts for approximately 14% of my readership, I guess I have to give the fans what they want.
I bought this record because it is ODD. It has a teal and white checkerboard design, with what appears to be Alice in Wonderland characters (The Dormouse, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, The Cheshire Cat, etc.) but with chess pieces instead of legs on the white squares. The only text on the record reads:
Westminster Medical School
ALEC in BLUNDERLAND
or “Through the Speculum”*
1962
*The “Through the Speculum” part is backwards, as if it were in a mirror. I have no idea how to do that on Squarespace’s word processor.
The back of the record supplies the some of the same information with some more detail:
Westminster Medical School
ALEC IN BLUNDERLAND
A pantomime in two acts performed in the Meyerstein Theatre in December 1962
Written by J. SPRAGTHORPE MacGONIGGLE and JOHN NEWBERRY
Animated by TED GORDON SMITH
in close harmony with JOHN FIELD
…Okay, first of all, what on earth do they mean by “animated”? Choreographed?
The back of the record also includes a synopsis which is… confusing at best, non-sensical at worst. Every time it introduces a new character, the actor’s name is included in parenthesis and with weird nicknames (shout out to my personal favorites, Dick “the button” Gledhill and Jon “abandon hope” Buchan).
Me crawling into the depths of the internet only to find that it has absolutely no information for me… curiouser and curiouser…
Usually, this would be the part where I tell you about all the research I did to find out more about this record, but there isn’t very much to report. The only thing I found on google was a 1958 production of something called Alec in Blunderland at King George V Hospital, but if the picture of the program is to be believed, this something else, as the song titles and character lists don’t match up. Unclear if Westminster did their own spin on the Hospital’s idea, or if the titles are purely coincidental. A different link included an audio recording from a “private collector” and after listening to a bit of both their recording and what I have my hands on, they are totally different. Super weird.
The ONLY mention I can find of this on the internet ANYWHERE is a quick blurb in an alumni profile on Imperial College London’s website which briefly mentions his participation in the school’s pantomimes or “pantos.” It notes that each annual pantomime performance was recorded and that the school is currently trying to track down and archive all of these recordings. Seeing as a picture of this record’s sleeve accompanies the blurb, I’m guessing they aren’t looking for this one specifically (although if I’m wrong, and anyone from Westminster sees this, let me know! You can have it! It’s in excellent condition!).
So apparently, this is a medical-student-written musical about the professors and experiences at Westminster Medical School in 1962. Which is to say, I’m guessing I’m not going to understand ANY of this because:
It’s probably going to be a bunch of inside jokes, and not only that, it’s going to be
a bunch of inside jokes with 1960s British humor, and to top it all off
I don’t know anything about medicine.
Really looking forward to it.
SIDE 1
1. The Interview
The Staff of Blunderland
It begins, and it… really begins. The old, fuzzy quality and the fact that they all have very proper British accents means that it kind of sounds like the opening to the Alice in Wonderland Disney movie, stylistically (linked at right if you didn’t watch that movie 17,000 times as a kid, like I did). I guess this is an interview to get into medical school, but as a song. It is very fast. And has many ridiculous lyrics like:
“Don’t I know your father? Where did you go to school?
Are you in the [some word that sounds like lavar]? Can you test a stool?
Do you dress for dinner? Are you on a Grant?
HAVE YOU BEEN A SINNER WITH YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN AUNT?????”
OKAY EW, WHAT?!
“Have you started shaving? Can you do the twist?
Have you tried life-saving? Ever had a cyst?
Will you persevere with patients? Will you promise to be keen?
Will you make a deep [something??] every time you see the Dean?”
2. The Flower Drug Song
Flowers
The title clearly draws inspiration from the 1958 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “Flower Drum Song,” so props for “current” musical references. The lyrics are hard to understand at first— but it’s sung by a bunch of flowers (?), mostly played by women, and is about how different flowers can cause you different ailments, like asthma, or, in the case of Deadly Nightshade, just kill you. Nice. Also has a fairly complex clarinet part in the background, so there’s that.
3. Royal Salute
The Company
“Greetings, your super regal majesty!,” someone proclaims, and then a wild, jazzy trumpet solo begins. Interesting. (Okay, also, if I’m being super, SUPER honest, even after several re-listens, I really think he says “Super RENAL majesty.” But… that can’t be it… can it? I guess it’s a medical school musical…). After the jazzy trumpeting subsides, the company solemnly sings:
“saluuuuute the Queen
saluuuuute the Queen
saluuuuute the Queen
saluuuuute the DEAN.”
Ahhh, I see what you did there. The blood-thirsty Red Queen is the Dean of the school. I’m sure he just LOVED that.
4. “I’m the Red Queen”
Red Queen, Knight, and White Rabbit
The song opens with the White Rabbit introducing itself (Unlike the source material, apparently Alec got to this fever-dream of a place without his help.) And after telling us that his name is “W. Arthur,” I am almost POSITIVE he calls himself a “gynecological rabbit…” and… yes, yes he does. It’s about how the rabbit is an expert on reproductive studies. Get it, because he’s a rabbit? He then discusses the exclusive nature of Blunderland, noting “It’s so exclusive, it’s a wonder there’s anyone here at all!”
The Red Queen and the Knight for SURE were not in that song, so that track listing is for SURE a mistake, and I guess so was the title? How can a song called “I’m the Red Queen” have literally nothing to do with a Red Queen, and everything to do with sex ed with a rabbit? Did they mean “I’m the White Rabbit?”
5. “If you want to be a doctor”
Alec and Caterpillar
“If you want to be a doctor, I will give you good advice!,” croons the hookah-smoking caterpillar. Yeah, I bet. He spills some probably-funny-to-these-med-students gems like:
“You must always treat consultants as if they’re very nice.”
“The Registrar is never wrong, no matter what you may think.”
And then he hits us with a weird, possibly sexist anecdote that I really don’t get:
“You must always watch the nurses, especially by the sink. For if their eyes are open they’ll surely hook their man.”
Alec then has a rebuttal section where he insists that he just wants to be a good doctor and help sick people. Very wholesome, Alec.
“I’m just a hardworking student. I want to learn to heal the sick.
I’ll always try to be prudent, never try a lowly trick.
Like asking friends for an answer, when in the class [price?] exam
For I learn it much faster if I study my books like a man.
Like a man.”
Well, okay, it was wholesome until he added the whole “like a man” thing after that weird nurse comment. Aside from that, I have to give credit where credit is due: the melody the caterpillar sings and the melody Alec sings are now being performed simultaneously and…it works? That’s impressive for a musical student, but may I remind you, these are not musical students, they are MEDICAL STUDENTS.
Now the caterpillar tells him he can give him advice if he wants to be a good student, and this advice is stuff like:
“You must play a game of [grogar?] and get drunk on Friday night.”
“And if you mix your amorous adventures into sex, don’t choose to hook a nurse, for then you’re in a mess.”
Again, MAYBE he means this in a “don’t date within your department” kind of way, but this kinda sounds anti-nurse, British-hookah-smoking-caterpillar.
6. Trio
Alec, Amy, and Pigeon
The song begins, and a group who I assume are the members of the titular Trio solemnly sing:
“In days of old, we’re always told that honor was a virtue,
and though a man might be a cad, he’d never, ever hurt you.
But times have changed, and in these days of dubious intention
a student can indulge in various vices I daren’t mention.”
Oh boy. Then a girl (Amy? The pigeon?) begins to coo:
“I’m just a very unprofessional nurse, but I always ask for more.
My Daddy gave me lots of advice that I’ve easily managed to ignore.
The students come and swarm around me all day, and upon me feist their will.
But life’s become much easier since the advent of The Pill”
Wow, again with the nurse bashing. There are women in this pantomime! Were none of them like “Uh, Ted and the Three Johns? Why does this pantomime feel weirdly sexist and anti-nurse?” Ah. Because it was 1962. Maybe I should choose to look at this as progressive— the nurse is sexually liberated! But to be honest it feels less like “this nurse is woke” and more like “this nurse is dumb.”
Our free-wheeling nurse then gets into an argument with her supervisor (? or a pigeon? I have no idea…) about why her uniform is wrinkly (not joking) and she remarks:
“I show my patients great affection, but I don’t seem to know quite where to stop.”
UH. Are we implying that the nurses are only here at med school to get action? And is that they really thought??? If I were one of these nurses and I saw this male-dominated pantomime, let’s just say that I would be taking names and then none of them would have been getting any action.
Now some man sings. A male nurse? A doctor? I guess it’s Alec? (Unless it’s the pigeon??) And he says:
“An endless life of pleasure, girls, and champagne and rooms in Portman Square.
I’ll spend my night researching, and devote the days to prayer.
I’ll stick to patients of the opposite sex and examine their frame of mind,
a part they’ll pay me in advance, the rest I’ll take in kind.”
Excuse me, Alec, I thought you wanted to be a GOOD, ETHICAL, WHOLESOME doctor???? What is happening? #metoo, 1962!
Okay so this song was … painful. I guess during “If You Want to Be a Doctor,” I was willing to give this album the benefit of the doubt and say it was less about nurses and more about interdepartmental dating… but no. This one boiled down to “nurses are slutty, so you might as well casually take advantage of your female patients.” I’m not sure what I expected from a piece written ENTIRELY by men in 1962, but I guess I just expected… better? I mean, come on.
Also, where was the pigeon?
7. “I am Tweedle-M”
Tweedle-M and Tweedle-E
This one is sung by a duo of rather impressive basses, who I can see from the program are, at the very least, real-life brothers, and possibly twins.
Early on, one of them croons “One Day I’ll be known as tweedle-KBE…” yup, I don’t get it.
Also there was a wedding march section in the middle of this 30 second song. Weird, weird, weird.
8. “I’m a clever fellow”
Alec & Amy
I guess this is Alec’s “I want” song, and he is now joined by…some girl. Who is credited as “Amy,” who apparently was in that stupid nurse number a few songs ago. Who is Amy? His eventual loose-nurse wife? Or what?
Long story short, Alec is annoyed because he thinks he’s very smart but apparently med school is hard because he doesn’t like using a bedside manner and waiting his turn to talk (These sound like red flags to me. Run, Amy, run!). Amy is annoyed because Alec “never notices” her. Didn’t you two meet two songs ago?
This song is so…slow and boring that I almost missed the strange and raunchy lyrics the plodding tune contained. Actual lyrics from Alec include:
“I deplore the beside manner that the Dean insists I learn.
I console a tearful mother, worried for her little pet.
Are they undescended, madam? Well, he doesn’t need them yet.”
…oh, my God.
Also this song features counter point melodies, AGAIN. I’m no longer impressed. Should we be concerned that they these med students had time to write melodies that could be performed in counterpoint? Weren’t they supposed to be…studying medicine or something? Apparently we are to deduce that they played “grogar,” drank on Fridays, and WROTE MUSICALS.
9. “Waiting for the Lift”
Knaves of Hearts and Spades
This is literally a song about waiting for an elevator. It includes a bunch of digs at different students and professors (who are mentioned by name), who have gotten mad at the elevator. It ends with a plea to rip out the elevator and instal a “spiral escalator.” Is there such a thing?*
*Okay, so, as you can see on the right, APPARENTLY there is such thing as a spiral escalator, but it seems pretty pointless if you ask me…
10. “Pathology is just a game”
Hatter, Hare & Dormouse
This has a decidedly latin feel, and it is about all the the tests that are performed by these apparent pathologists until eventually they inevitably “send it back…unanswered.” A look at the synopsis reveals that this is all concerning a character named ‘corpse,’ and at the end we learn that he wasn’t even dead. What?
11. “Douglas, Ding, and Me”
Hatter and Chorus
This one is a very short, rousing march about the college. Spirited lyrics include:
“We’re a wonderful lot at the Westminster, we know just what to do.
We’re a wonderful lot at the Westminster, so join the chosen few!”
SIDE 2
1. Lullaby
Duchess, Cook, Amy & Alec
This whole song is in four-part harmony and is sung a cappella… and it’s really good. You guys, this is weird. I’m very suspicious of these med students. Why can they write these songs? And why can they SING? Are singer-songwriter doctors the norm in the UK? British readers, if you’re out there (SPOILER ALERT: I’m guessing you are not), weigh in. Of course the lyric “some of them are girls and some are little men,” is not the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s just one more thing for me to raise my eyebrow at after that heinous nurse song. I’m just saying.
2. Common Market Song
Knave of Hearts & Duchess
This starts with a monologue over the top of melodramatic music. This actually happens a couple times, each time completed with a sung march section:
“So you know what to do with your ruddy common market—
You can have your froggies and your macaronis too
I’m a British citizen so brother, will you knock it?
And give three British cheers for the red white and blue!”
Froggies and macaronis? What is happening? I think this number is talking about Britain being self-sufficient. Unclear what this has to do with med school exactly.
3. “Just as mad as a Hatter”
Hatter, Hare, and Dormouse
In this song, the Mad Hatter muses over the fact that people have lots of questions about the brain, but he doesn’t really care, because he’s crazy. This song deserves a soft-shoe dance break, and 10/10 had me accidentally swaying back and forth in my chair at the coffee shop where I was writing this blog. #embarrassing.
“I’m just as mad as a hatter
but that doesn’t matter
to me.”
4. Après Nous
The Queen and Red Knight
Okay so apparently this is an homage to the french saying “Après nous le déluge” which literally translates to “after us, the flood,” and is sung by the Red-Queen-Dean and their right had man, the Red-Knight-Sub-Thing. They basically sing about how they get away with a lot of stuff, and if you challenge them, they’ll end you and your career. Yikes. Again, did the Dean go to this musical??
It also involves heavy use of the French National Anthem, because ~France~.
5. “I’m in love with a Hydrogen Bomb”
The White King
This song is about… exactly what the title says, sadly. Who is the White King? Does he have anything to do with the Red-Queen-Dean?
I’m in love with a hydrogen bomb, though I’m not certain where it came from
It was rather a matter of nuclear rape (?????) that happened one day at Canaveral Cape
While the guard was inspecting my docket, I looked up at the top of this rocket
And there sat my darling with lethal aplomb! My sweet little beautiful hydrogen bomb!
At one point he starts growling like Louis Armstrong (weird), and then doing this weird Kermit the Frog-type-thing (weirder). He sings about consummating the marriage when she blows up and they’re both obliterated.
This one is going to haunt my nightmares.
6. “You are old, Father William”
Alec & Caterpillar
Okay so this is a parody of the poem “You are Old Father William” from Alice in Wonderland. Each verse is replaced with a different guy who is “old,” (ex. Father Franklin, Harold Ellis, etc.) and I’m guessing each of these men listed were real life professors because they include responses from students doing parodied old man voices. It’s not that funny without context, but I’m choosing to believe this was a hilarious roast in the day. Hahaha! Father Anderson WAS born an old man! Hahaha!
7. Marching Song
K, K and Everybody
“We’ll march march march to the red light!
If we take all night with the left-right.
We’ll march march march to the red light!
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!”
These people are marching because of… something about Nuclear Fission? I guess we’re still on the whole Hydrogen Bomb thing. This is a marching song all right. Also do NOT ask me who “K and K and Everybody” are because I don’t know. The truly nonsensical synopsis on the back of the record at one point mentions two characters named “Kenn and Krush,” who may be “K and K,” but if you think they’re going to explain who these people are… you’re wrong.
8. “Lots of Reasons”
Alec & Amy
Oh, my god. It took typing out their names like that just now for me to realize that their names are a play on the word “ALCHEMY.” I think. Maybe. Maybe I’ve just been listening to this weird album for too long. In this song, Amy is sad because Alec never thinks about getting married. He only thinks about being a doctor and how he still has to learn so much more. Didn’t they just meet like ten songs ago? As previously stated, let’s calm down, you two. At the end they wind up on the same page and resolve that “There are lots of reasons for saying no, but even more for saying yes.” Very poetic.
I have to admit that I laughed out loud (okay, I was at a coffee shop, I let air out of my nose sharply) at the not-particularly-revolutionary-but-still-funny joke lyric:
Alec: I want to get a house job here.
Amy: I really think he must be… odd.
9. “Off with his Head”
The Company
So from the title, I’m sure you can guess where this one goes. The Red-Queen-Dean says that it’s time to be rid of Alec, so they are going to use the guillotine (pronounced here as GILL-oh-teen. Ew.) to off him once and for all. Most of this song is whisper-sung, so I have little insight into the lyrics beyond “So let’s be gay and hearty, have an execution party!”
10. Closing Chorus
The Company
Okay, first things first, I have a bone to pick with this med-school musical. They are referring to this place as “Wonderland” now. I THOUGHT HE WENT TO BLUNDERLAND! HOW DID WE GET TO WONDERLAND?! Is it a metaphor?? This begins and sounds suspiciously like “Trouble” from The Music Man, and then eventually turns into a happy, optimistic reprise of “Off With His Head,” but one that goes on for too, too long.
The End.
This is usually where I would put together some kind of after-listening-summary but, uh, I don’t have much to say. I understood about as much as I thought I would, which is to say, not that much. And I didn’t expect so much blatant sexism, thank-you-not-so-much. BUT, I was pleasantly surprised (and equally disturbed) by the quality of the lyrics and the music. All of that being said, this is for SURE my weirdest find to date, so thanks for following along! Hopefully this is the beginning of a lot of weird stuff to come!
Also next blog post is something I’m really, REALLY excited about, so be sure to check that out in the next week or so.
